I need space to land

Posted on: January 16, 2011

Ok, I know it’s only the beginning of the year but… I have another confession to make.

EVERYBODY… My name is Salma and I’m a “Hover Mom”.

What is a “Hover Mom” you may be thinking?

It’s me – And all the other over-protective, helicopter, a-little-nut-so moms out there.

I took Kuba to school the other day and as usual I have to walk him to his class. He went to go put his stuff away and I was just lingering. The class was getting ready to do some music therapy. SIDE NOTE: This is our first time doing music therapy but I have to say it’s working so far – And Kuba loves music so it’s a good fit.

Another parent was there at the same time and the two of us were just standing around at the doorway – For ASBSOLUTELY NO REASON (I know this now) – But at the time I’m sure I had good reason. Now I look back at it I think the teacher (god bless her) was giving us the “Oh God, hurry up and leave – Please leave, I know I don’t have a child of my own but just so you know this is not my first time being around children – If you don’t trust anyone with him why don’t you leave him at home – I really don’t mean that but come on… I gotta a class to teach” smile. At least that was my interpretation. Yes, we eventually left in case you were wondering. Driving out the parking lot I remember thinking… Salma, you need to get a grip. What exactly were you waiting around for?

I used to tell myself that because he was a special needs child that I needed to be overprotective – But I can’t anymore. Plus he’s beginning to show his independence. SIDE NOTE: I wish I could say that it was when he told me to “beat it” that I realized I was hovering, but it wasn’t. I think the “look” brought it home that morning.

I used to tell myself that I’m one of those uber parents… Whatever the hell that means – But I’m thinking confident mom who’s ok giving her kid a break, let him spread his wings, can take some “me” time and not stress about what’s going on somewhere else. But I’m not. Even now… On the rare occasions I allow Kuba to go to a friends (one of my friends) house without me – I’m calling about every 2 hours or so (although they would tell you differently) to see…

How he’s doing
Has he eaten
Don’t let him watch too much TV
Let me talk to him

And my friends/family would indulge me the first couple of calls then…

Oh god woman! Don’t call back!
What do you want? Make this your last call
You’re bothering me
Kuba’s having fun, he doesn’t want to talk to you
You plan on coming back for him… Right? Me: Yes. Friend: Oh. I have to wonder
Nah call back yah – Even my mom has said this to me. I’m so ashamed (now) putting this into words

Am I going to change? I really want to I think so. Perhaps I can start “Hover Mom Anonymous”. SIDE NOTE: Ever wondered why they refer to these groups as anonymous? After all, once you go to your first meeting you’re no longer anonymous… Are you?
Ok. So I just googled hover mom and this is one of the links I found: I swear… I believe my mom helped them put this together.

So… Who’s to blame for this? You know I have to blame some one – Don’t you?

I put the blame on other moms. OMG! We put so much pressure on each other! Like…

Who was the most stylish when they were pregnant
Who had the cutest baby. SIDE NOTE: Let me just end this one here – ALL newborns are ugly! But new moms, you’re forgiven (it’s ok) if you think otherwise. Kuba could have been born looking like a miniature Flavor Flav and I would have still been… “Ahhh… He’s so cute”.
Who’s breast feeding and who’s not – When breast were beginning to sag… Who’s moved on to organic… My baby only eats organic baby food where the veggies are watered with the purest water from a well in France – My baby only eats organic baby food where the veggies are watered with God’s spit
I got time off from work so I can stay home with my baby – I got a nanny – I stopped working, and hired a nanny to watch my pumpkin. NOTE to SELF: Don’t ever try this move unless your safety net is big enough to get Haiti back on it’s feet. This is just “nuts-so” – Oh yeah… “Nuts-so” was a description of a “hover mom”… Right?

I guess what I want to say is…

MOMS… PLEASE GIVE EACH OTHER A BREAK! I don’t care if your kid shits gold… Keep it to yourself. You want to come over to my house so your kid can play with Kuba in paint, err, dirt? Please come by anytime. There’s enough of that to go around 🙂

And finally, please give me some space so I can land this damn thing! I don’t know why I do this to myself but I’m tired and need to get some “me” time if that’s ok with you.


8 Responses to "I need space to land"

I never heard of “hover mom” but I guess its natural. You can hover but just understand when you are told to “beat it” . I still laugh at that. You are doing a good job. “good job mom” !

You have been doing really well Salma. You are one of the most caring, diligent, loving mom (and friend) i’ve ever known and I have no doubt that you’ll continue to do well with him (and everything else).

Wow a hover mom huh….lol. I know you were just drawing a reference but perhaps its not just due to pressure from other moms, maybe ‘hover moms’ or ‘hover friends’ or whoever else in the entire world that may ever be a “hovering anybody’ are just born.

To me it only seems natural to have concerns and want to protect the ones you love and care for in every possible way. Living with my roommate since august 10 2010 and everyone that ive met since ive been here for school in aug 7th 09 i have a natural concern for their well being. Some of my friends here call me ‘MOMS’ and im kinda ok with it. I definitely cant identify with being a mother, but if simply being a friend can make me the way i am i cant imagine how much more intense your feelings for Kubas well being must be.

But as every parent that i’ve ever known ‘hovering’ will con naturally. And some prents start letting go little by little as their children learn to walk, then drive then get their first jobs and move out. and i guess because kuba just happens to have autism you may feel like letting go may never be an option, but i think he’ll definitely need your support along the way throughout his life, and im sure you’ll be able to work just how much soace he needs. Because if you dont give it to him im pretty sure he’ll demand it…lol But as im sure you see everyday he’s growing quiet quickly into and teenager and before you know a a full grown man. so if his ‘beat it’ doesn’t get you his manly stature will some day….and even though mother doesnt always know best i consider you a pretty insightful, reasonable person….you’ll work it out….good luck

When Xion came around I was alot less intense about things. Most decent parents go through the “friken stage” as I call it. Remember when they first came home and you would check them every 5 minutes to make sure they are still breathing, or shake the shit outta them and wake them up for sleeping too long. I am also a hover mom, not proud of it,..(lol) but I am trying daily to let go. Xion has eaten dirt and food off the ground, and I did not take him to the hospital once in those instances. I actually let Genesis walk to her classroom by herself now..( can’t describe how agonizing that was. I however got a reality check day before yesteday when I was walking Xion (who is two and very independent) to class and he literally yanked his hand from me grabbed his lunch box and shooed me away. I was so hurt,..lolol. Much to my dismay, as I was walking away I heard the other lil inmates banging on the desk and they start chanting XION XION XION, like it was gladiator or something.(WHAT THE HELL IS MY KID DOING AT SCHOOL?)… 😀

My name is Tameka and I am a hover mom

Seriously now, I do know what you are referring to, I experience it with my siblings and their children and I do respond like your mother. I believe when I become a mother I will behave the very same way, I guess its a natural instinct.

Hmmm wonder when that going to be @ you becoming a mother…tick tock tick tock…:-)

@ The pressure being put on others…those putting the pressure on me usually falls flat cuase I side step :-p

I am presently forcing myself into my children’s space now..but I do it in a fun way, cause how I look at it in a few years..My eldest is 13..I won’t be able to, so now let me lay a good foundation so when they tell me “beat it” I will be comfortable to do so since I would have had a lot of memories tucked away. I cut out video games this wasn’t well recieved but now I’m down in the fields playing cricket and football 😦 it’s taking a toll on my body but they are not telling me enough, in fact they’re telling me can we go again tomorrow mommy.

Salma remember your early childhood, remember what made you uncomfortable, what made you excited what made you safe what made you feel loved..let these memories be your guide..with a little exception for sex :-)(ur a girl, Kuba’s a boy)..Clarifying that for anu’s princess..and you can’t go wrong. In fact your doing a wonderful job hon.

I am not a mother but I sure do know what you are referring to, my mother and siblings were like that to me since I am the baby of the family (Princess), lol.

It comes with being a mom. I thought I would be a little more relaxed now that I have two but thats not how it works. That invisible pressure is always there and pressure from others, thats just a part of life. Try this, the next time you are both home together let Kuba dictate how the day is going to go (within reason of course, lol) it has worked wonders for me.

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