momtuition

Over My Dead Body

Posted on: August 25, 2011

So… I need to find my mom a “special friend”. Hey, she’s not that old. The parts still work and it’s been too loooong. SIDE NOTE: Whatever you’re thinking stop thinking it RIGHT NOW! This is my mom we’re talking about here. Only I should think that… Cough. Cough… I’m gagging. I take that back. Not even I should think that.

I keep telling her that I’m going to set her up on a blind date. To which she says “Absolutely not!” She thinks I’m kidding. I’m now contemplating setting her up with a profile on Match.com. Are there Antiguan men on Match? I’ve asked Charlton for help but first of all he wants to know why I’m telling him about this – Then who told me to mention Match.com to him! He says…

Charlton: You just went and ruin the entire thing now. What are you talking about with this online thing? That’s not how relationships work.

SIDE NOTE: So you know I perked up because “Main Man Charlton” I hoped was about to tell me how relationships work. But that didn’t happen.

Me: What’s wrong with meeting a guy online? It’s no different with what happened back-in-the-day when you would get a girl’s number from a friend and call and talk to her on the phone before meeting her.

SIDE NOTE: That shut him right up – I give him a few seconds to come to terms with the “been there, done that” in his head. In those few seconds I kept asking, “What’s the difference?” but wasn’t getting an answer.

Then he says…

Charlton: Sometimes you like act as if you live in some fairytale land

Me: What is fairytale about that? You have a man or not?

Charlton: Come again?

Me: Chups (whatever)

So back to the man hunt…

A friend was telling me the other day that it should be easy for me because I come into contact with a lot of men. SIDE NOTE: Yeah I know… The whole “come into contact with a lot of men” sound really Heidi Fleiss-ish but that’s not the case. When I’m in Vampire Land; yes but that’s the way of life there… It’s how God wants it to be.

I just can’t imagine though my mom dating a colleague. Well I can, that’s why it can’t happen. How awkward would that be? I would be sitting in a meeting with them wondering if he got to 1st, 2nd or God forbid… Ahhhh… 3rd base! OMG I’m gagging! (puke)

SAMPLE PROFILE for Match.com

Sex: Female

Age: Looking for a man that’s 50 and over. My age is none of your business

Ethnicity: Black – And you may as well stop here if you’re not into black chicks because you know… “Once you go black…”

She will be looking for:

  • A man with a good sense of humor
  • a good job or if you’re not working can afford to do so
  • a stomach flatter than mine
  • someone who loves kids
  • a happy mouth – If you don’t know what this is then you’re not it
  • someone who’s ok with watching CNN, HGTV, Food Network, Discovery… ALL DAY!

And then there would be a link for more

Anyone got any ideas on how I can make this date happen?

P.S. I’m trying to think of where my mom is going to hide my body when she slaughters me after reading/hearing about this post. Here are places you can tell the cops to search first:

  • My closet. I have a shoe fetish so there are enough boxes in there to store every single body part
  • my chester drawer. It’s big! I got so much stuff in it. I have a drawer for clothes I sleep in and I don’t sleep in any. Oh shit! That slipped.
  • my freezer. I could easily look like pork in a Ziploc bag

 P.P.S. I just found out that the correct thing to say is “chest of drawers” and not “chester drawers”. Got that? 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

P.P.P.S. This is the last, I swear.  I decided to talk to my sister about my plans. She older and married with kids so therefore knows the joys of having a “Special Friend” to torture, I mean love for the rest of your life. I told her I was going to blog about my “Special Friend” Search. I mean, after all, they search for stars on national TV so why can’t I use my blog?

Skype conversation between me and my sister

Me: So what do you think about my plans for mom?

Sis: I think you should give mom a “heads-up” before posting this. I can’t see her going for this

Me: Really? We’ve been talking about it for the past week

SIDE NOTE: We haven’t exactly talked about me posting about it but we’ve talked about me setting her up on some blind dates – Which she’s totally against. Same difference… Right?

Sis: Has she been saying anything about a relationship lately?

Me: No. I’ve been telling her that I need to set her up. Don’t you think it’s time? She needs to spend time with male company other than Kuba

NO RESPONSE

Me: Are you there? Say something

NOTHING STILL

Me: Kuba talking about Garfield is not cutting it

Sis: LOL… It’s been a while. Do you have anybody in mind?

SIDE NOTE: Hallelujah!

Me: That’s why I need to set her up with a profile on Match

Sis: Are there Antiguan men on there?

Me: I don’t know. I can’t see any prospects before I setup a profile

Sis: Give me a minute. Had a sleepover at the house and have a bunch of hungry little girls to feed

SIDE NOTE: She’s just given me her blessing, right?

So again, I’m on a quest to find a “special friend” for my mom. If you have actual names of prospects please send an email to momtuition@gmail.com. Remember to look at the profile to make sure they qualify. For all other comments do it here. I want other moms who’ve been out of the “special friend limelight” for a while to take advantage of the advice.

COMING SOON! Coffee mug

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11 Responses to "Over My Dead Body"

[…] So… Kuba is playing chef and I’m relaxing in the bed. SIDE NOTE: I’m now thinking that he may become a chef. Before I was thinking a rock star – Or maybe he’ll be a rock star chef (get it, LOL). You know; so he’ll tour with his band in the summer and tape his hit Food Network in the fall. And he’ll get invited to all the Food Network galas – And he’ll invite his parents but Charlton won’t go because he can be antisocial sometimes (OMG he’s going to kill me for that comment – But remember, look in the freezer. I will be in a Ziploc bag disguised as pork). You never know, he may have gotten some ideas here. […]

I vote for a young man to rock her world.

The guys have to submit an application form with resume and police record. When she picks one, we will disribute the eligible leftovers.
Project #2 – men for all your single 30something friends…lol.

I’m a Republican. Once my mom gets her pick we’ll share the rest with the underprivileged women

help me find one for her partner in crime over here…dwl

Do not forget her bust size and if she can cook. Also there is a
christianmatch.com (approx name). And finally why would u want your
mother to be saddle with a man. Get her some young guy that will rock
her world!!!

Ok just kidding. She can start crusiing the churches.

And yeah chest of drawers (that was too funny).

Diann

It’s on like Donkey Kong! We’re going to Adventist and Pentecost this weekend. We’ll stick with those two for now…
Too much beating around the bush from the Anglican men. And we all know the Catholics just beat the bush. Now the Wesleyan’s… They tell you… Stay away from the bush

This is too funny!!! She is definitely going to kill you but I totally understand what you are doing. Ah mean you are just trying to make her happy by finding her a companion to spend her life with. Lol!!! You are so dead!!!
Side note: I apologise for the re-post but this laptop is giving me hell by shifting my words around and making me look as if I can’t construct a sentence or spell.

This is too funny!!! She is definitely going to kill you but I totally understand what you are doing. Ah mean you are just trying to make her happy by finding her a compnaion to speand her life with. Lol!!! You are so dead!!!

Hmmmm your looking for trouble lol….Your mom knows how to find a man she just don’t see any she wants at this time 🙂 Not even you see one for her lol

Girl how did you know i was thinking about the same thing when it comes to my mom. I mean you know my mama is still hottttttttt!!!! and she is a beatiful person . Im going on the quest too but i dont have a sis to help..lol but let me know when you come up with more ideas….. i might have to borrow some to get my mom that special person too…lol

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